Arranged Marriage: Finding Ms Right

Arranged Love,Anyone?

Satish Rajamani

Being 29 years old and single without a laundry list of girl friends is not a good sign for starters. More so if you happen to like reading a little bit of philosophy, listening to rebellious music and follow Christopher Nolan movies much before The Dark Knight became cult. I may classify myself as a nerd, or a geek or the best one I have got till now Tippie (Techie + Hippie) :D Depending on your perspective, that maybe a thing to gloat about or have a face palm moment. Either ways, that's me!

Image courtesy: © Thinkstock photos/ Getty images

Twenty nine years old and smugly single, I consider myself to be a part of the niche clan of people who have never quite achieved their potential, are lazy, know they can do much better and aspire only for the best. We are that clan of people who can talk sense and are always open to trying out new things. 
 
We also have aspirations of meeting the perfect one who looks like Monica Belluci and can talk intelligently on literature, music and movies and also be an ideal woman at home. Yes, we aspire nothing less than the superwoman but we are rational and practical enough to know our limitations - that we are mostly Clark Kents and Peter Parkers (without any superpowers). 
 
Over-zealous Aunties/Uncles Inc

Thanks to the over-zealous aunties and uncles and of course, my dad, who believes that I need to be tied in the "bonds" of holy matrimony and thus fill the void in my life and thus prove my mettle as a man... I am in the dreaded place that is more commonly-known as "the arranged marriage process". 

The eagerness of the "concerned" elders, I believe is more to absolve themselves of any remaining responsibilities towards me. I have felt the entire gamut of emotions ranging from despair to desperation thanks to these aunties and uncles especially the ones who have grey hair, bald patches or both. The most common question they put across to me is "What type of girl do you want? ", which is usually followed by, "Do you want a working-type girl or housewife bhi chalegi?" The fact remains that such questions drive me away from the sight of grey hair in any function. Ironically the older these uncles get, they tend to be more sensible in their advice as they mention about waiting for the right girl and going slow :)

Arranged Marriage, a Compromise?
 
Honestly, arranged marriage is a compromise one makes. You have little time to analyse the stakes or the nature of the opportunity; you are usually sold on the pros, and accepting the cons is a step which is very difficult to make. The time factor becomes the sword of Damocles hanging over your head - so you don't have a choice but to make your decision quickly! 
 
Bearing the above, one must remember that my generation is a confused lot for starters. We find it difficult to let go of Doordarshan serials and admire their simplicity but still want to live a life like Barney Stintson or Robin Schebartsky of How I Met Your Mother! Hope however makes us believe that we can evolve the arranged marriage process and tune it to our constraints. 

Achieving "status quo" 

With the little experience I have, (thanks to my observation and listening skills), arranged marriage seems to work when you have made up a sketch in your head. Of course, this sketch becomes relevant only after matching horoscopes and family compatibility verification - which is another litmus test and usually is purely subjective. Post that, most men are scrutinised under the following criteria:

a) Decent job with a decent profile and good money (has to be more than what the woman earns for sure!) irrespective of industry or domain.
b) Presentable looks and speaking skills. 
c) Reasonable bad habits (Read: Drinking at pubs, etc allowed but not to be publicly declared, smoking a strict no-no at least for appearance sake).

So, if someone fulfils all three above categories, he is a potential life partner. Rest of the parameters are "give or take" wherein all things considered compromises can be made. Lack of common interests can be usually negated, newer tastes magically acquired and pursued in order to achieve status quo. The key aspect being that major points are ticked off and the rest you go with an objective of adjusting and reconciliation. 

Screening Prospective Brides
 
Of course, the trend ensures that men also usually judge the girls on the following parameters only:

a) Looks.
b) Relative smartness. 
c) And finally, the ability to make the man feel that he is the hero of her dreams and the apple of her eye.

The irony today lies more in the prevalent lack of faith that all things will fall in place and this makes the prospect of arranged marriage seemingly more archaic and painful.

Things to Consider

I sympathise with the women who are getting their marriages arranged as well. Why? Because they are brought up on par with men like me and enjoy all the freedom and experience similar to their counterparts. Marriage thus demands that they make a much greater sacrifice than the modern man.
This is something men have to understand deeply and thus gauge a person not only through their parameters but also do their best to balance the expectations of their future wife and their parents. Having said that, the women of today have to be clear in their head about the level of responsibilities that marriage brings on their shoulders where the presence or absence of the in laws result in equally big responsibilities. The numerous constraints put on us by our culture and to a certain extent, the crazy real estate prices make it difficult to start a life post marriage easily in a new setup.
 
Arranged Love, Anyone?
I feel for today's women I meet but at the same time can't help but expect her to be a superwoman. I am not hypocritical when I say the above as I can definitely assure that whether she remains a Louis Lane rather than a Bat Girl, I would definitely become the best Bruce Wayne that I can be. One thing that still remains unchanged is the aspect of love which makes a Louis Lane live with all the quirks of Superman and still trust him when he flies away at night:) The key is to try and fall in love with the person you are arranging your life with. The rest, as they say, will fall in place.

Top 10 tips to avoid snoring

Here are the top tips to avoid  snoring

London, Nov 28 (ANI): The British Snoring and Sleep Apnoea Association has provided tips to cure snoring problems.

It recommends working out whether snoring comes from the nose or throat, reports the Daily Express.

If you can make a snoring noise with your mouth open and closed, try this: stick your tongue out as far as it will go and grip it between your teeth.

Try to make a snoring noise. If it is reduced, you are probably a "tongue-base snorer", meaning your tongue is vibrating and causing the problem. If you are a "nose snorer" you snore with a closed mouth, it says.

The Association lists their solutions as follows:

1. Sleep on your side

The theory is that when we lie on our backs the tongue and muscles in the throat collapse, constricting the airway and causing snoring.

2. Higher pillows

This aims to keep the airways open by supporting the neck so the throat is less constricted. It works fairly well until you fall asleep and slump down in the bed.

3. Breathe Right Nasal Strips

These are supposed to open your nostrils from the outside and they certainly do seem to do this. They can also provide temporary relief from nasal congestion and stuffiness caused by colds and allergies.

4. Snoreeze Oral Strips

These dissolving mint-flavoured strips target the main cause of snoring and are ideal if you tend to snore more when lying on your back. They contain a time-release formula, which coats the back of the throat throughout the night and reduces the vibrations of the soft tissues, helping to stop snoring.

5. Snoreeze Throat Spray

This lubricates and tones the soft tissues at the back of the throat that vibrate and make you snore.

7. Nozovent

This is a piece of flexible plastic which you push into your nostrils to make them wider and allow easier breathing. It looks like something from the Spanish Inquisition but users report good results.

 

8. SomnoGuard

This is a bit like the gumshield worn by a rugby player, but it is reported to produce good results. The idea is to bring your lower jaw and tongue forward, making more space for breathing. The drawback is that it takes sometime to get used to and is costly.

9. Rhynil Herbal Spray

The British Snoring and Sleep Apnoea Association says its herbal nasal spray shrinks the lining of the nostril, creating more space to breathe. It also tightens the tissue of the roof of the mouth, making it less likely to vibrate. It smells pleasant and a friend who tried it said it reduced snoring significantly.

10. Abstinence

You should cut down on cigarettes or, better still, give up completely. Also, try to have your last alcoholic drink at least four hours before you go to bed. (ANI)

7 Things Your Teeth Say About Your Health

When was the last time you visited the dentist? Are your teeth in impeccable condition?

According to a story on Care.com, some messages coming out of your mouth bypass the vocal chords. Turns out that your teeth, gums, and surrounding tissues also have plenty to say — about your overall health. This just means, dental problems aside, bad teeth could signal problems your body is facing.

“Your mouth is connected to the rest of your body,” says Anthony Iacopino, dean of the University of Manitoba Faculty of Dentistry and a spokesperson for the American Dental Association. “What we see in the mouth can have a significant effect on other organ systems and processes in the body. And the reverse is also true: Things that are going on systemically in the body can manifest in the mouth.”

Dental warning #1: Flat, worn teeth plus headache

Sign of: Big-time stress

Many people are surprised to learn they’re tooth-grinders. After all, they do this in their sleep, when they’re not aware of it. And they underestimate the physical toll that stress can place on the body. “Crunching and grinding the teeth at night during sleep is a common sign of emotional or psychological stress,” says Iacopino.

You can sometimes see the flatness on your own teeth, or feel it with the tongue. Or the jaw may ache from the clenching.

What else to look for: Headaches, which are caused by spasms in the muscles doing the grinding. Sometimes the pain can radiate from the mouth and head down to the neck and upper back, Iacopino says. Mouth guards used at night can relieve the symptoms and protect teeth

Dental warning #2: Cracking, crumbling teeth

Older adults, especially, are vulnerable to teeth that appear to be cracking or crumbling away. The enamel becomes thin and almost translucent. But this erosion isn’t a normal consequence of aging. In fact, it can happen at any age.

Disintegrating teeth are usually caused by acid that’s coming up from the stomach and dissolving them, Iacopino says. The cause: Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD, also called acid reflux disease). GERD causes stomach acid to back up into the esophagus — and from there, it’s a short distance to the mouth for some of the damaging acid. GERD is a chronic disorder caused by damage or other changes to the natural barrier between the stomach and the esophagus.

What else to look for: Dry mouth and heartburn are related GERD symptoms. (But in an older adult in someone else’s care — in a nursing home, for example — these complaints may go unreported.) Cracking or chipping teeth in a younger person is also a telltale sign of bulimia, the eating disorder in which the sufferer causes herself (or himself) to vomit before digesting. Same net result: Stomach acid washes up into the mouth, over time disintegrating the tooth enamel.

Dental warning #3: Gums growing over teeth

Sign of: Medication problems

If you notice your gum literally growing over your tooth, and you’re taking a medication for heart disease or seizures or you take drugs to suppress your immune system (such as before a transplant), it’s well worth mentioning this curious development to your prescribing doctor.

“A swelling of the gums to where it grows over the teeth is a sign the dosage or the medication need to be adjusted,” the ADA’s Anthony Iacopino says. Certain drugs can stimulate the growth of gum tissue. This can make it hard to brush and floss, inviting tooth decay and periodontal disease.

What else to look for: The overgrowth can cause an uncomfortable sensation. In extreme cases, the entire tooth can be covered.

Dental warning #4: Dry mouth

Sign of: Sjogren’s syndrome, diabetes

Many things can cause dry mouth, from dehydration and allergies to smoking and new medications. (In fact, hundreds of drugs list dry mouth as a side effect, including those to treat depression and incontinence, muscle relaxants, antianxiety agents, and antihistamines.) But a lack of sufficient saliva is also an early warning of two autoimmune diseases unrelated to medicine use: Sjogren’s syndrome and diabetes.

In Sjogren’s, the white blood cells of the body attack their moisture-producing glands, for unknown reasons. Four million Americans have Sjogren’s, 90 percent of them women. Twenty-four million people in the U.S. have type 1 or type 2 diabetes, a metabolic disease caused by high blood sugar.

What else to look for: Other signs of diabetes include excessive thirst, tingling in the hands and feet, frequent urination, blurred vision, and weight loss. In Sjogren’s, the eyes are dry as well as the mouth, but the entire body is affected by the disorder. Because its symptoms mimic other diseases (such as diabetes), people are often misdiagnosed and go several years before being properly diagnosed.

Dental warning #5: Crusting dentures

Sign of: Potential aspiration pneumonia

Most people don’t connect dentures (false teeth) with pneumonia, other than to think they’re both words that often refer to the world of the elderly. And yet the two have a potentially deadly connection. “A leading cause of death in older people is aspiration pneumonia, often from inhaling debris around the teeth and dentures,” Iacopino says.

In aspiration pneumonia, foreign material is breathed into the lungs and airway, causing dangerous (even fatal) inflammation. Too often, the problem stems from people in the care of others — those in nursing homes, for example — who fail to clean dentures properly. Dentures need to be removed daily from the mouth, cleaned with a special brush, and stored in a cleansing solution.

What else to look for: A soft, crusty material developing around dentures. With proper cleaning, though, you don’t have to worry about other red flags. “It’s amazing. You can get a 100-percent reduction in what’s otherwise a leading cause of death for denture wearers,” Iacopino says.

How to Treat Excessive Hair Loss

Image courtesy: ©Thinkstock photos/Getty Images

If homemade hair care remedies and visits to hair spas haven’t restored your mane to its voluminous glory perhaps you should consider a visit to the trichologist. Excessive hair fall can be due to several reasons like hormonal or nutrition deficiency or illness. Here’s a lowdown on hair treatments recommended by trichologists to curb relentless hair fall.

“The methods of treating hair loss depend on the reason for the loss of hair. Hair loss due to vitamin or hormonal deficiency can be cured by treating them with the essentials they lack. For others there are various surgical and non surgical treatments,” says Dr Rekha Yadav, trichologist and director of Revital Trichology Centre.

Laser treatment

For whom: Those with mild to severe hair loss

What is it:
“Laser treatments are used to stimulate hair follicles by boosting blood circulation and thereby reducing hairfall,” adds Dr Yadav. Laser treatment is used when hair follicles need to be stimulated for healthy hair. In less severe cases, hand-held laser combs can be used. These are like your regular brush for your hair and scalp to improve circulation and stimulate the follicles.

Price: The three-month treatment is available for approximately Rs. 15,000
Hair transplant

For whom: Recommended for severe hair loss

What is it:There are two types of hair transplant treatments. Depending on your condition the trichologist will recommend - Follicular Unit Transplant or Follicular Unit Extract.

Follicular Unit Transplant 
“Follicular Unit Transplant (FUT) involves removal of hair follicles from one patch and implanting it into the required patch,” says Mumbai based trichologist, Dr Romil Metha. It is a surgical method which involves transplanting hair in naturally occurring groups of one to four hair strands. This method is usually used when large amount of hair needs to be transplanted due to uneven hair loss.
Follicular Unit Extraction 
The Follicular Unit Extraction (FUE) involves removal of individual follicular unit grafts directly from the back and sides of the scalp and then inserted in those patches of the scalp that have less hair. In other words, if the scalp has bald patches then hair from the back and sides of your scalp are transplanted to these patches. The FUE scores over the FUT in the fact that the former is believed to leave no scars while the latter leaves a strip like scar.

Price: The treatment is available for approximately Rs. 35,000

Sensi Graft

For whom: For those with scanty hair
What is it:
Hair strands of a donor are shaded to that of the recipient and are attached to the latter’s hair. Sometimes these implanted hair grafts may be created. Basically, this procedure involves a donor and a recipient wherein the donor's hair strands are attached to the recipient's scanty hair strands.  “It is a great cosmetic procedure but there is no growth of hair,” adds Dr Yadav.

This method is used in grave cases where follicular stimulation is less effective.  (Afterthought: Perhaps most starlets with lovely long hair retain their shiny mane because of sensi graft. Whoa!)
Price: The treatment is available for approximately Rs. 20,000

Do you have any questions about these hair treatments? Leave us a comment and let us know.

Women's luscious red lips - the biggest turn on for men!

London, Nov 25 (ANI): Want to catch a man's eye? Forget fluttering your eyelashes or flicking your hair. All you need to do is practice your pout, for a woman's lips are the most attractive part of her body. Especially if she's wearing red lipstick.

A new study, carried out by scientists at Manchester University, has shown that in the ten seconds after meeting a lady for the first time, the average chap will spend more than half his time gazing at her mouth.

If she's wearing lipstick, he'll find it difficult to look away, with a dash of pink holding his attention for 6.7 seconds and red keeping him fixated for 7.3 seconds.

The study involved tracking the eye movements of 50 men as they were presented with images of different women.

When the women wore lipstick, the men gazed at their lips for an average of seven seconds - spending just 0.95 seconds looking at their eyes and 0.85 seconds studying their hair.

However, when they went without make-up, the men got tired of looking at their lips after 2.2 seconds, instead devoting 2.97 seconds to admiring their eyes and 2.77 seconds to studying their noses.

Full lips were deemed to be the most attractive feature, but the appeal of thin lips increased by more than 40 per cent once make-up had been applied.

"This study proves that lips represent one of the most sensual aspects of a woman's body and play a critical role in human sexual attraction. Full and red lips combined deliver the perfect pout to achieve male fixation, but women who simply wear lipstick - regardless of their lip type - secure significantly greater levels of attraction than those who do not," the Daily Mail quoted Dr Geoff Beattie, who led the research, as saying.

"For centuries, women have painted their lips red to enhance their appeal, with this practice dating back as far as the Ancient Egyptians who commonly used red lipstick and rouge to enhance their attractiveness.

"The research suggests that red lips and perceived attractiveness are still inextricably linked, with red lipstick proving to be the most powerful attractor and significantly increasing visual fixation," Beattie added. (ANI)

Smart women, unsmart choices

Why do so many successful and beautiful women end up so fragile and brittle? Especially those who have not managed to move into the seemingly safe zone of marriage and family before their shelf life expires ... 

In Women Who Run With the Wolves, the writer Clarissa Pinkola Estes describes the concept of 'hambre del alma' or the starved soul. She explains that sometimes soul-starvation can come from the environment - a woman finds herself in a culture that does not quite support her, feeling always that she is in some way alone and different. 

Under Viveka Babajee's awful suicide lies a larger story, an ongoing hazy nightmare filled with phantom wolves and women running with them, sometimes towards them. The question is, why do so many successful, beautiful, competent women end up so fragile and brittle? And why is there such a discrepancy between their external and internal worlds? While the disconnect may be more amplified in show business, it doesn't stop there. Clearly, there is something disturbing in the way society treats and perceives women - and in the way women perceive themselves, especially those who have not managed to move into the seemingly safe zone of marriage and family before their shelf life expires. 

As a Mumbai socialite drily puts it, "At the end of the day, every one is looking for love, no matter how successful. Every woman needs to become a desperate housewife before she becomes desperate." Show business has serially spawned divas who have ended up lonely, miserable and even mentally unstable. Way back in the 1900s,a maverick singer called Gauhar Jaan - the first woman to have ever been recorded and one who could command any price, including a whimsical demand that an entire train be booked for her entourage - ended her career impoverished, after being brutally cheated by the man she loved. 

The Hindi film world has numerous examples of gorgeous women who walked into sunset boulevard, suddenly bereft of trappings and, above all, of love. Meena Kumari drank herself to death; Madhubala ended up as a reclusive mystery woman; Suraiya became a creaking chandelier who would wear kilos of make-up and jewels right to the end. Sadhana closeted herself and refused to take a lifetime achievement award because she said she wanted her fans to remember her the way she was. And no one can forget how Zeenat Aman allowed herself to be brutally mishandled by the men she loved. 

As film critic and director Khalid Mohamed says, "From what I've seen, over the decades in the film and modelling world, women are always secondary citizens. Some make a breakthrough using their beauty and sexuality, but they are always conscious that they have a limited shelf life compared with their male counterparts. Some cling on with the hope that they will continue to be popular. Others look for marriage, and if it doesn't work, things go terribly wrong." 

Psychiatrist Dr Ashit Sheth explains the peculiar fragility of women who are viewed as sex objects: "This kind of woman desperately 

wants to be understood internally. The fear of being abandoned by society and losing whatever she has created so far is very strong. I see this among air hostesses these days. Because, when they join the airline, their world changes so dramatically. In the end, emotional needs are felt by every body - whether you are a dog or a human being." 

But does this vulnerability stop at showbiz or does it extend to women across the board? Activist and publisher of Zubaan Books, Urvashi Butalia suggests that whether she is a corporate executive, a model, or a village panchayat head, a woman usually has to pay a deep personal cost for success; she is often forced to make a choice between her career and family. The tragedy is that she can't seem to have both. "I have no doubt that the hollowness of success at the cost of all other things hits men also, but it hits women very differently," says Butalia. And that is, perhaps, where the "soul-starvation" comes in. "When the image in the mirror - of beauty, success or talent - doesn't match the image inside, you have the breeding ground for vulnerability," says literary critic and writer Nilanjana Roy. "Many of the great women writers had this: not so much a fragility as the lack of an extra skin, coupled with an abnormal sensitivity to their environments. I think of writers like Anne Sexton,Sylvia Plath, Virginia Woolf; all of them struggled and often overcame their tendencies to depression, learned to use their insecurities and fragilities as material, but in the end were brought down by this." 

Roy questions the prevailing culture "which insists that the beautiful and the successful should be placed under the burden of also having to be flawless - why they can't always ask for or get the help and support they need. We still live in a society where it's considered a sign of weakness to ask for help, or to admit to having problems; the surface counts for more than what's going on inside, and that burden is doubled for the beautiful and the successful." 

Beware: A kiss could trigger allergic reaction

Washington, Nov 21 (IANS) The next time you plan to kiss your beloved, give it a second thought. The kiss can trigger an allergic reaction in your partner, a study says.

'If you have food allergies, then having an allergic reaction immediately after kissing someone who has eaten the food or taken oral medication that you are allergic to, isn't highly unusual,' president of American College of Allergy, Asthma and Immunology (ACAAI) Sami Bahna said.

'But some patients react after their partner has brushed his or her teeth or several hours after eating. It turns out that their partners' saliva is excreting the allergen hours after the food or medicine has been absorbed by their body,' Bahna said.

Most kissing allergies are found in people who have food or medication allergies. Symptoms include swelling of the lips or throat, rashes, hives, itching and wheezing, according to an ACAAI statement.

These findings were presented at the annual scientific meeting of ACAAI in Phoenix, US.

Food allergies affect about two to three percent of adults and five to seven percent of children in US, or more than seven million people, according to the statement.

In his presentation, Bahna discussed the case of a 30-year-old male doctor with a peanut allergy, who had recurrent anaphylaxis, a life-threatening allergic reaction.

This patient developed lip swelling and itching in his mouth when his girlfriend kissed him. She had eaten peanuts two hours earlier, brushed her teeth, rinsed her mouth and chewed gum prior to seeing him.

When things turn more intimate, allergies can be even more harmful. Allergists have seen cases of people experiencing allergies to chemicals in spermicides, lubricants, latex or even a partner's semen.

Some people develop hives or wheezing from the natural chemicals released by their body by the emotional excitement or physical exertion during sexual intercourse.

For people allergic to their partner's semen, Bahna suggests the use of condoms or desensitization (immunotherapy) by an allergist. Preventative antihistamines may be helpful in mild cases, he said.

Can Buy Me Love!

Money is cooler than sex

When asked to rank financial security, sexual satisfaction, emotional security and romance in order of importance in their relationships, more than a third of the women polled in the survey by India Today opted for financial security, followed by sexual satisfaction, romance and emotional security.

It is possible that regional differences skewed the overall figures (82 per cent of women from Hyderabad gave top billing to financial security, as opposed to only 12 per cent from Patna), but that's only to be expected from a large survey covering disparate populations. Based on this, one could be easily forgiven for concluding that urban Indian women find money cooler than sex. But, on looking closer, it seems they're not quite sure.

For, to confound things just a bit, a little under a third ranked financial security last. Clearly, there's some more digging to be done. The survey broke down financial security into three elements-financial independence, the impact of finances on the relationship and whether sex gets better if one earns more than one's partner.

In terms of the importance accorded to financial independence, it appears that more than three-quarters of those interviewed felt that it was either very important or important. So far, so good. But men did so as much (actually marginally more) as did women. Obviously, since women ranked financial security higher than men did, financial security means more than just financial independence to them. But what stares one in the face is that Indian men also value financial independence in the relationship, perhaps not as much as sex, but much more than one would have expected.

What's more, more men than women feel that finances could affect a relationship. The provider stereotype is obviously not dead yet and men would probably find it harder to deal with their relationship issues if they weren't bringing home enough. Who's going to pay those EMIs? As far as women are concerned, it appears that as long as financial independence is ensured, they can approach financial issues in the relationship with greater confidence. But what's with the respondents from Kolkata (less than half believe finances affect their relationships) and Chennai (not even two-fifths)?

Apparently, people from these two cities enjoy their sex lives regardless of the viagrational power that money is supposed to provide (as it seems to do for respondents from Delhi and Ludhiana). The good news is that only slightly more than half the respondents felt that sex and earning capacity were linked. Obviously, at least half of urban India is enjoying its sex life, regardless of its bank balance.

There are regional variations as well as inconsistent responses which suggest that the urban Indian woman has not quite made up her mind on the role that earnings play in relationships. My personal experience as a couples' therapist indicates that the biggest stress factors in urban Indian relationships are money, work and family. Examining the issue of financial security might be a good place to begin with. In the past, the term financial insecurity for woman referred to either the insufficiency of the man's income-generating capability or his financial profligacy.

Living in a joint family made things easier, for there was always somebody to pick up the slack. Today, however, when financial independence is becoming the norm for women, the term has come to reflect the lack of fiscal transparency between partners. Who pays for what? Who earns how much? Joint or separate accounts? My money, your money or our money? All these are concerns that bedevil many couples today, and more often than not, remain unresolved, owing largely to the distaste for discussing money at the dinner table.

Apparently they do, even though women give sexual satisfaction a lower ranking than men. And not just this, urban Indians want the whole shebang-foreplay, orgasms, romance, fantasy, whether or not they're getting all of it. What this tells me is that whatever their differences, new Indian couples are seemingly able to engage in a much higher degree of sexual intimacy than their parents ever dreamed of. This is a good sign. For it's only through the experience of intimacy, sexual and emotional, that financial and other issues can be resolved.

What this also tells me is that while contemporary women are perfectly willing to approach sex with far more abandon than their mothers did, the more the financial security, the greater the abandon.

Probably the best way to work towards financial security is for couples to learn to talk about money. It's not a bad idea to talk about financial expectations before one makes a commitment, even if it seems tediously prosaic to do so during the wine-and-roses period. I am happy that people all over the country are paying more conscious attention to the issue of financial security in their relationships. But we still need more transparency and financial mutuality. Money may not guarantee relationship happiness. But it does buy a standard of living. And what's more, the sex could only get better.

Women want more

The pillow talk of new millennium couples in the 2010 INDIA TODAY-AC Nielsen-ORG MARG sex survey tells an unprecedented story of women's arousal being thwarted and of romance gone sour. Call it the Eat Pray Love moment in the life of the modern Indian woman. Just as the lead character, Elizabeth Gilbert (Julia Roberts in the film) was asked by her Balinese healer to "pray for sex", the survey finds Indian women meditating intently on the prayer beads of fulfilling and wholesome sex.

Shatter those stereotypes that tell you women are not as interested in sex as men are. Overturn the idea that women favour a romantic encounter - a walk in the rain, a bouquet of roses - while men prefer to fall into bed. Check out the intricacies of the new woman's erotic litany: sex is crucial, say 70 per cent of women. No wonder, they are eager to make their sexual lives more exciting, with new situations (67 per cent) and positions (20 per cent), new types of foreplay (24 per cent), and sex anytime, anywhere. Pleasure is paramount, their own and that of their partners' (57 per cent). But that quest for hardcore sexuality is squashing intimacy and romance faster than bedbugs.

There she is, fragrant on bath salts, waiting for him to look up and notice her in her lacy camisole. And there he is, sprawled on the bed, flipping channels languidly, spoilt for choice between cricket and pole dancing on the telly. He finally looks up, yawns and reaches out for her. She looks disgusted and hisses at him, "Undress yourself." And she is not alone. Between 2003, when INDIA TODAY-AC Nielsen-ORG MARG sex survey first focused on "What Women Want" and now, the percentage of women not interested in "undressing" their partners as a preferred mode of foreplay has petered down from 16 per cent to 8 per cent.

Buried deep in this survey is another story: the growing happiness gap between men and women. While women show rising levels of dissatisfaction, men are full of buzz about their current sex life. Many more men than women are having weekly sex. They are more happy with foreplay than women. And more open about their own pleasures. Unlike women, an overwhelming percentage of men say their partners are "sensitive toward their sexual needs". While women don't seem to be too happy with the "sexual involvement of partners", men are.

Twice as many men have sexual fantasies and they are three times more likely to share those. Not just that. They are more contented with life in general than women - much more satisfied with their jobs and just as happy as women with their health, social, family and financial lives. About a 100 years back, Sigmund Freud had famously confessed that the one great question he could never answer was: "What does a woman want?" Today's Indian men do not seem interested in asking that question, as yet. "Women's sexuality is much more complex than men's ," says clinical psychologist therapist Shelja Sen of Delhi. "A lot of it is triggered by emotional, intellectual and relationship-based factors rather than the simple physical response required by a man. The brain is the crucial sexual organ in a woman."

That mind-body route to sexuality takes strange forms. Dr Neena Malhotra sees a host of patients walking through the doors of the infertility clinic at the All India Institute of Medical Sciences, Delhi, who have surprisingly low coital frequency. "They are not just weighed down by erratic work hours and stress, they also don't know that a fulfilling sex life needs a boost," she says. "They roam around the shopping malls, watch TV till midnight and then there is not much time for sex." The survey tells the same story. Between 2003 and 2010, there has been a 5 per cent drop among women having sex more than once a week.

Excitement about sex life has shrunk by 10 per cent among women, satisfaction after sex has come down by 11 per cent. Significantly, the focus on "own pleasure" is riding a steady upward curve. At the root of this pleasure quest could be the post-modern woman's desire to take charge of her own destiny. And, as matrimonial sites point out, it starts early. Courtships in arranged marriages these days find city girls asking some tough questions to their would-bes, as reported by a 2009 partner preference study by Bharat Matrimony: from "how close do you want to live to your parents?" to "do you expect me to stop working once we have children?" And, of course, the inevitable: "What's your idea of spending alone time?" "Compatibility is emerging as the primary evaluation criteria," says Murugavel Janakiraman, CEO, Bharat Matrimony. "This is one area where we see the most dramatic changes."

There is, obviously, a paradox at work. Those demands for companionate autonomy seem to take a serious beating once the mundaneness of everyday life kicks in (to 42 per cent men and women "quality time at home" constitutes a "perfect romantic day"). No wonder, the imagined world of romance leads to disenchantment and forced reconciliation of reality with fantasy.

To begin with, fewer women find their partners "romantic" than men (51:66 per cent). While 71 per cent of men share their sexual fantasies with partners, just 12 per cent women find men enthusiastic about theirs. To top it all, women don't seem to be "talking" to men to communicate their needs: those willing to discuss disappointing sex has dropped by 8 per cent between 2003 and 2010. But in a new turn, women seem keen to "tell" their partners that extra-marital liberties on their part would be promptly reciprocated.

"Why can't a woman be more like a man?" mused Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady. Today's Indian woman would have made him happy. Her new assertion for sexual fulfillment and dissatisfaction with the status quo tell the new story of femininity. As filmmaker Aparna Sen says: "I like today's woman. I like her spirit of independence, of her effort to control her own destiny. She might be confused and sometimes impatient with relationships, but she is brave." The plot and characters in the battle of the sexes are shifting. Let's wait for romance and enchantment to return to the bedroom.

10 myths about women: Go figure

We desire bigger breasts

Nope. Bigger isn't always better. No woman wants to be spoken to with the eyes firmly focused below her face.

We dress up to impress men

We dress either for our own confidence levels or to upstage other women. Even lingerie is worn so we feel sexy.

We always want to share our feelings

Post-coital, men aren't the only ones who want to watch TV or sleep. We don't want to know you felt hurt when you were behaving like a buffoon and we called you on it. You did it. We told you off. Now get over it.

If we are high strung, it's obvious we are PMSing

If a woman is emotionally high strung, it's because it's incomprehensible to her as to why she can multitask and her man can either change the bulb or take a bath or order the groceries, but not all three. And definitely not together.

We have a weaker libido than men

Men may have a stronger libido at 18 but as all women (at least the ones I know) have discovered, men seem to lose their "willingness to perform" by their mid-30s.

We are clingy and don't believe in space

We may want your full attention when you meet us but spending an entire day with you in our faces? No way. Also, our emails and our private conversations are not for your eyes and ears. We too need girls' night-outs.

Sex is about intimacy. Satisfaction is secondary.

Intimacy is all well and good, but if you want us to give, you've got to give some yourself. Also it would be nice if you educated yourself a bit on the female anatomy.

We want our men to be possessive

Boys, the wrestling pit is in the akhara, not the bar. We'd rather have a man who thumps his opponent with his wit.

We fantasise about our dream wedding from an early age

Only if it involves George Clooney or Brad Pitt. It's about the fantasy groom, not the fantasy wedding.

After 30, we are obsessed with our biological clocks

Modern science has ensured that women can have children even at the age of 42. The point is, will you have the energy to be fathers at a later age?

Bhagat is the writer of Manorama Six Feet Under, Bachna Ae Haseeno and Aisha

Use of condoms can be justified 'in certain cases', says Pope

London, Nov 21 (ANI): Breaking with years of Roman Catholic teaching, the Pope has said the use of condoms can be justified 'in certain cases'.

In a book, Benedict XVI has signalled that the contraceptive could be an acceptable means to stop the spread of AIDS.

But he made clear the comments were not intended to weaken the Church's fundamental opposition to artificial birth control.

Extracts from the book, 'Light of the world: The Pope, The Church, The Sign Of The Times,' were published in the Vatican's official newspaper, L'Osservatore Romano, and were interpreted as a significant change in the Church's teaching.

German journalist Peter Seewald has written the book.

In it the Pope cites the use of condoms by prostitutes as "a first step towards moralisation" even though condoms are "not really the way to deal with the evil of HIV infection".

After the Pope first mentions that the use of condoms could be justified in limited cases, such as by prostitutes, Seewald asked in the book: "Are you saying, then, that the Catholic Church is actually not opposed in principle to the use of condoms?" reports the Daily Mail.

Benedict replied: "She of course does not regard it as a real or moral solution, but, in this or that case, there can be nonetheless, in the intention of reducing the risk of infection, a first step in a movement toward a different way, a more human way, of living sexuality."

The Pope goes as far as mentioning the 'ABC principle' (Abstinence-Be faithful-Condom) on stopping the spread of AIDS.

However, he goes on to say the "sheer fixation on the condom implies a banalisation of sexuality" where sexuality is no longer an expression of love "but only a sort of drug that people administer to themselves".

The Vatican's opposition to artificial birth control has been highly contested, even by many Catholics, since it was formalised in the late Pope Paul's Humanae Vitae (On Human Life) in 1968. (ANI)

Affairs good for couples?

You thought infidelity breaks up marriages? You're wrong, 'coz according to Maryse Vaillant, a prominent French psychologist, "Men who keep mistresses improve their marriage". 

In her latest book, "Men, Love, Fidelity", Maryse says, "Infidelity is essential to the psychic functioning of certain men who are still very much in love, and it can be liberating for women." 

So if your husband's been enjoying secret meetings with another woman, don't run after him with a knife. 

For all you know, it could improve your marriage. Maryse says that infidelity is not, by definition, proof of love. Agrees engineer Charu Verma*, 29, "We practically spend our lives in office, so naturally, one gets attached to colleagues. And why blame men; women too get into relationships of convenience. I work for 12-15 hours a day, and since I don't get to see my husband often, we started having a lot of fights. I needed emotional support, and a colleague helped me out. Maybe it's wrong for some people, but I wouldn't call it cheating. It took my mind off certain things, and my husband and I are doing fine." 

Chirag Bhalla*, 31, a CA, feels there's nothing wrong with an extra-marital affair. "Our wives are so career-oriented that they're willing to work in a different city for a higher position. How are we supposed to control ourselves? And if having an affair helps one lead a normal married life, so be it," says he. 

But there are those who do think it's unacceptable. "I have to disagree, because it makes a mockery of faithfulness. If a marriage has to be judged by the number of affairs one's had, why get married at all?" asks 29-year-old HR pro Deborah Steele. Sumanta Mukherjee, 30, thinks "Men are programmed that way and can't help being womanisers. It's not true for everyone, though. Infidelity happens and there are ways to reconcile. But if it doesn't work out, why not try something new?" 

Seven Best Winter Foods

It’s that time of the year when you want to stay in and sip cups of latte under a blanket. What better way to spend winter, right? But it is also the season of colds and flus. Here are other foods that will not just keep you warm, but will keep you fit through winter too

Sweet potatoes

Sweet potatoes are highly nutritious roots. “Roots are excellent foods for winter as they provide you with warmth,” says Mumbai-based consultant dietician Dr Sunita Dube. They are also a good source of dietary fibre and carbohydrates. They are also a good source of Vitamins A and C and a good source of minerals like manganese and copper. So have them, boiled, baked or even in a soup!

Another root to have this season is potato. These are a good healthy source of carbs and dietary fibre and are rich in Vitamin A. So have ‘em baked, roasted, grilled or even in a potato-leek soup.

Spinach
 “Greens are good for you during winter too as they are rich in antioxidants,” says dietician Maithili Pashtekar. Antioxidants perk you up and keep winter blues at bay. Spinach is also a good source of iron and calcium. So, whip up those soups and juices to start your day with!

Sesame seeds
Sesame seeds will keep you warm too. “Sesame or til chikkis are best eaten during winter as they produce heat in our body and are a good source of calcium too,” says Maithili. It is best had after a meal as it aides digestion. It is a good source of minerals like magnesium, iron, manganese and copper. These seeds helps your skin to retain moisture too!

Peanuts
“Peanuts are rich in antioxidants,” says Dr Sunita. These nuts also provide warmth to our system. Peanuts are a good source of vitamin E and B3. What’s more, because it is a good source of monounsaturated fats, it is a heart-friendly food too .

Bajra and Jowar
Millets like bajra and jowar also make for great meals during winter. “They are rich in calcium,” says Dr Sunita. Winter is the time we fortify our body and these millets help in absorption of calcium and build muscle tissue, she goes on to say. So make a meal of bhakris with jowar or bajra flour and spicy garlic chutney!

Oily Fish
Oily fish are a good source of vitamin D. “Vitmain D levels could go down during winter,” says Maithili. Moreover, they are a good source of omega 3 fats that will help prevent mood swings by elevating the serotonin levels in your body.

Pomegranate
“Pomegranates are a good source of polyphenols, a powerful antioxidant,” says Dr Sunita. It is also a good source of minerals like calcium and phosphorus. “This combination works well in boosting our immunity,” says Dr Sunita.

Here are a Few More Tips from Dr Sunita for a Healthy, Happy Winter

• Include a lot of berries like strawberries and blueberries in your diet as these are rich in antioxidants and will perk you up in no time.
• Don’t forget to keep yourself hydrated even during winter. It is essential not only to keep your system functioning smoothly, but beautiful skin too.
• Avoid rich foods, eg. deep fried foods and cheese. These are unhealthy at all times. And you won’t notice the extra pounds you have put on until summer!
• Choose to drink herbal teas like green tea, jasmine and chamomile over tea and coffee to prevent ODing on caffeine.

Do you have any more tips for a healthy winter? Leave us a comment and let us know.

Why women have no sense of humour when it comes to mum-in-laws

London, Nov 09 (ANI): Overbearing mother-in-laws might be objects of fun for men the world over but for women, life with such a figure is no laughing matter.

Seven in ten mothers say they have to endure a controlling matriarch who criticises their parenting skills.

Major sources of irritation include questioning how they bring up their children, mollycoddling their son, and trying to spoil their grandchildren too much.

The mother-in-law turning up uninvited is another cause of annoyance, according to parenting website gurgle.com.

While conducting a survey of 1,000 mothers, it received dozens of testimonies from women who have confided that they can't stand their husband's mother.

The survey found that 39 per cent are annoyed at their mother-in-law criticizing their approach to child raising.

The mother-in-law interfering in day-to-day life (23 per cent) and 'babying' their son (20 per cent) were the next two biggest complaints.

Completing the top five gripes were spoiling the grandchildren (18 per cent) and turning up uninvited (7 per cent). Complaining about the mother-in-law has traditionally been associated with men, immortalized in jokes by comics such as Les Dawson and Bob Monkhouse.

"The key thing to remember here is that she doesn't think you're doing a bad job; it's just very hard for grannies to resist offering their own opinion if you're doing something slightly differently to how she would have done with her own children," the Daily Mail quoted Nifa McLaughlin, the website's editor, as saying.

"You're probably a bit less resistant to advice from your own mum, but with the in-law it can irk that much more, as you feel as if your authority is being undermined," McLaughlin added. (ANI)