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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

True Romance


As women, we are constantly spoon-fed ideas of what romance ought to be. We buy into candlelight dinners, red roses, dark chocolates, opening doors, sunsets from a quiet rooftop and Valentine's Day. Equally, men are often trained or pressured into performing these expected tasks to qualify as romantics.
I'm old-fashioned, I like chivalry, I like attention and I like being spoilt. But any man who thinks this is all it takes to woo a woman, be warned. This comes with an expiry date.
When a relationship is new, women enjoy these little gestures and there is absolutely nothing wrong with unconditional chivalry. But a few years into the relationship, she might actually find a romantic dinner in a swish restaurant sipping champagne, making small talk and wearing a tight, uncomfortable dress whilst a huge market profits from her emotional expectations not really that romantic. At the risk of sounding like a middle-aged feminist cynic, I think roses and candles are the nursery school of romantics.
What is romance for a woman? It is when your loved one is able to keep the "spark" lit even as the years go by. We live in a world where almost every man has been conditioned into looking at a woman from the outside, to judge her appearance, and her "lady-like" behaviour, so it's only natural that we women want to be seen from the inside. A woman wants the freedom to express her darkest feelings and the most unconventional thoughts.
What men often do not realise is that women can also have days when they want to physically break something, pick their noses, eat a gigantic steak or roam around the house in a torn T-shirt. We have days when we use bad language in frustration, when we are insensitive to men's needs, when we need to be left alone.
The importance of romance for a woman is to feel just as accepted, just as loved when she is behaving unconventionally. This romance requires a little more perception and depth than chivalry because it means men taking a step back when we are angry. Sometimes romance is as simple as a man staying by our side when the whole world sits in judgment. Other times, romance means physically letting us leave and sort out problems by ourselves. To do this, a man requires immense self-control because he needs to let go of that instinctive male tendency to protect, provide and possess his woman. He needs to let go of that male ego we women keep complaining about.
When a man trusts a woman completely, lets her go and waits patiently for her to return, without questioning her loyalty, it is true romance. And it's not something you learn from a glossy magazine. Or buy at a mall.

Monday, December 20, 2010

The Female Dilemma: Managing Male Interest














"Why do we trade in the attention of a hundred men for the indifference of one?"
I've been pondering this for awhile. I remember reading this in a booklet of quotable quotes by famous women about men. That alone tells me, it's a dilemma that other women have grappled with.
It is a common notion that men change once they enter a relationship. A wave of attention and affection and solicitousness comes our way from the man, during the initial heady wooing days. As we settle into the comfort (no doubting) of a relationship, the tide starts to pull back.
Where the minutest change in our appearance would have been cause for a deluge of compliments, an entire makeover elicits not a grunt. At one point of time, the man is vying for a slot on our busy schedule. Now that our schedule is built around him and his idiosyncrasies, it is no more interesting than last year’s calendar. This isn't what I'd call intentional malice or cruelty. But it does sting at a profound level when you’re at the receiving end.
Compared to the average man, the average woman has a higher degree of attention coming her way from the opposite sex (sorry but that's the way nature goes). She decides to trade in all that for one man, whose interest declines eventually. Most women do this and what's more, do it willingly, joyfully and earnestly. So why do women put up with it?
Are we so desperate for the illusory security of one relationship that we’ll throw in all the promissory notes of flirtation that we had earlier? Are we so masochistic that we can’t fathom, cannot bear the idea of being so universally adored and must settle into the mediocrity of accepting less, much less? Or are we just being realistic and trading in our chips before they all lose value, for something that depreciates but stays our own, nevertheless? It bears thinking about.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

This Amazing Thing Called Love














This is a sappy, mushy, gooey post. Quite unlike me, but hey, I haven't been a mother for that long. Give me time and my inner gushing self will emerge from the closet.
When Ankita was first placed in my arms, I felt nothing. I waited and waited for thunderstorms and lightening but nothing happened. Over the next couple of months, I felt a variety of emotions. Primarily frustration because the kid didn't get that she just HAD to close her eyes to go to sleep. Gah.
There was affection and care. And there was pride and joy. I mean, she really could roll on to her side and hold her head high when she was just 3 months old and say OCTOPUS, 6 months later. Total smartness. Though only Sriram and I got what she said most times and words were said after much prompting, total smartness.
It was anger and irritation that has been looming large since the arrival of the terrible twos. Like I often repeat, the daughter can't wait to do things quickly. So she got to the dreaded phase 3 months in advance.
If you are my neighbour - I DIDN'T TOUCH HER. I SWEAR. SHE HOWLS LIKE HER BUM IS ON FIRE, VOLUNTARILY. My family and I are too busy hiding under the bed to protect our eardrums.
There was worry when she went off to play-school. Worry for the teachers, for the other children. But it turned out fine. 5 months down, they are all alive and accounted for AND, we didn’t get burn-in-hell stares when we went down for her first parents-teacher meeting. She even made me a mother’s day card. It was all awwwness and sweet and a wee bit of pity because father’s day wasn’t there yet.
Yesterday, as she sat in a corner, painting her face and the floor alternatively and I bunched up my vocal chords for a yelling session, she looked up and smiled… that mischievous, eyes-sparkling smile and I felt love. Strong, unprecedented and totally I-am-going-to-squash-you for the rest of your life kind of love.
Love, it is not all that bad you know. Except I have been trying to give her many, many hugs and kisses and she has been pushing me away.
The little miss so and so.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Two Types of Women














A colleague once said to me: "I think women (at work) come in two types. There are women like you - independent, strong-natured type...you know they aren't going to burst into tears because you tell them you don't like their work. Then there's this other type you have to be careful around because you never know how they'll react."
Later that week, I stayed back at work late and was travelling home after midnight with the same colleague. When my mother called to check where I was, he looked a trifle surprised and then remarked, "It's just that, with girls like you, one gets the sense that you can take care of yourself and don't need protection. Whereas with X, Y, Z...they're like little kids, you know?"
I didn't know whether to be flattered or annoyed. My independence doesn't make me immune to any of the dangers facing women. My family and friends care and worry about me just as much as they would if I were any other way. Harsh words bother me too, even if I don't burst into tears over them.
Why should I get any less chivalry, politeness or consideration just because I don't stage melodrama over it? I suppose that in a world of princessess, some of us are Xena. But everybody has feelings and no one is completely invincible, you know?

Friday, December 17, 2010

The 7 biggest beauty sins: Are you guilty?


I must admit, I have been guilty of doing one or more of these beauty sins. Everything from sleeping with makeup on (my excuse being 'I'm so tired!'), or over-exfoliation, and of course, the icing on the cake: Not getting enough sleep.
But why are these beauty sins so problematic? Here's a story I found that explains just that. Take a look, and not to mention, stop sinning!



Confession time: You may have seen the inside of a tanning bed at one point in your life and/or popped a zit or two. We're all guilty of committing a beauty sin, but we’ve discovered why those indiscretions may be doing you more harm than you think. Read on to get the full list, some may surprise you.

Sleeping with Your Makeup On

You went out with the girls, had one too many martinis and before you know it you're face down on your bed passed out cold. You'll wash that smoky eye off tomorrow, right? Not so fast. Aside from the fact that your sheets are about to look like an imprint of the Joker's face in The Dark Knight, you're doing some serious damage to your skin. "If you're acne prone, this is the worst thing you can do to your skin," says Dr. Debra Jailman, M.D., a New York City dermatologist. "Leaving makeup on overnight clogs your pores and traps in dirt from the day. Nighttime is your skin's time to repair itself."

Over Exfoliating

Sure, a little exfoliating treatment every now and then feels like tiny angels are scrubbing your face with magical toothbrushes, but exfoliate too much and you could be doing more harm than help for your skin. "Exfoliating gets rid of all the dead skin cells on your face, but this in turn makes it more vulnerable to the sun and your favorite products," says Jailman.

Not Getting Enough Sleep

We know, we know...you don't have time to pee some days let alone get seven to eight hours of sleep. Sorry to break it to you, but according to Jailman there's just no way around this important beauty must. "You can apply all the makeup in the world, if you don't get enough sleep your skin is just not going to look good," she says. Like with leaving your makeup on, nighttime is your skin's prime time to repair and rejuvenate, so those hours of shuteye are important.

If you find yourself falling behind on sleep, make sure you turn off the tube, close your laptop, and set your BlackBerry to sleep mode so you can mentally check out and focus on dozing off.

Popping Your Zits

There is nothing more frustrating that walking around with a blemish on your face, but popping it is not the solution. "Picking at your face often leads to depressed scars, skin infections, and sometimes broken blood vessels," warns Jailman.


Over Moisturizing

Slathering your face in lotion, especially in the winter is good for your skin, right? Not necessarily. Jailman says doing so can cause you to break out, or can even give you milia, tiny white spots that are formed when dead skin is trapped in the skin.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

What Toys Have To Do With Relationships














There's all this talk about "boys and their toys". But you know, we girls loved our childhood companions too. What's more, in a typically female psycho-babble-loving way, we see patterns in our toy mania.
Maybe we're back in the playground, but with a heart instead of a doll and slightly bigger boys this time. If our relationships are a reflection of the games we're used to playing, maybe the people we date, are images of our favorite toys. Who then are we, by the toys we play with?
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
Some little girls play with plastic dolls. Some of them grow up and play with plastic cards and the styrofoam men who own them. Sugar daddies abound for the PYTs (Pretty Young Things) who never got over their addiction to plastic. These are the women for whom life in La-la-Land is just fiddle-dee-dee, isn't it darling?
Touch ME not, touch MINE not! How about those annoying, prissy kids that mum was always wishing we would become? The one who always put his toys away in order, the one whose dolls were always nicely dressed and neatly arranged. You hated her didn't you? I did too. Especially since she wouldn't let me get my grubby fingers anywhere near her precious beauties. Come to think of it, she didn't do much more than stare at them in her perfect dollcase either. She had a fairytale marriage, complete with Snow White style wedding gown to Mr.Ken doll. Presumably she and her darling boy toy do nothing more than look at each other in absolute adoration and live happily ever after.
My lovely monster, my cuddly creepy-crawly. I was delighted to find a series of monster-doll stuffed toys and started a collection. Besides a stuffed Hunchback of Notre-Dame, I also collected a green Frankenstein, a lady-bird sandbag, an outrageously plumed rooster, a green dinosaur with red spikes and an owl with a graduation hat. My favorite doll (that I still have) had an unruly lock of hair carved into the top of its head and all otherwise, it was bald. Ergo, my tastes run to imperfect objects...and flawed men.
I want the one she wants! Then there's the girl who seems to want just the guys you want. He's 'just someone' until he becomes SOMEONE to you. Then he's the one she'll want. She would be the kid who always wants the toy that the other kid has.
The trophy-winner! Everyone knows the kid who always wants the biggest, prettiest, bestest toy that there is. This isn't greed, it's ambition. They usually get them, don't they or they just won't play with anyone or anything else. We are in the age of a woman getting anything and everything she wants, after all. This is the woman who'll turn her nose at the plebs and hold out for the trophiest of trophies only.
The collector. I remember one weird childhood conversation. Comparing notes like all little girls besotted with an abnormally shaped piece of plastic called Barbie, I asked the girl who sat next to me in class, "I'm making a new dress for my doll. Do you have a Barbie?" She sniffed and replied, "Only three! But my mama won't get me more!!!!!!!" Of course that was the "I have more than you!" kid. Know someone who is the female equivalent of a bed-post notcher? Bingo. She grew up and collected boyfriends instead.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Do people change after marriage?


So who do YOU think changes most?
I LOVE you just the way you are.’ Yawn! Haven’t we had an overdose of this particular line? No matter how many times your partner coos this into your ear, there would be something that he/she would want you to change about yourself desperately. Not just that — post-marriage, you might undergo certain involuntary changes which could be shocking for your partner.
A marriage certainly triggers some changes in both men and women. “We give up our independence and our decisions are made in collaboration with our partner (and inlaws in some cases),” says Dr Kamal Khurana, relationship expert at Purple Alley.
“Ideally we should not expect a person to change. But when we start cohabiting, our expectations from our partner increase. And when he/she is unable to fulfil them, we feel our partner has changed. We then want him to change back to what he was before marriage... or for that matter, what she was,” he says.



Changes can be both positive and negative. While a Michigan State University study says marriage makes rowdy men better-behaved, counsellors have dealt with cases where men have become more violent towards their partner.
As far as women are concerned they undergo a lot of hormonal and emotional changes that ultimately shape their personality. “Women expect men to fulfil their emotional needs, but men are not wired to understand it,” says Dr Gitanjali Sharma, marriage counsellor. But psychologist Anu Goel has come across cases where men have completely mended their ways for their ladylove. “It is all about striking the right balance and I have seen quite a few cases where men have made the ‘adjustments’ that women were expected to make about 10 years ago,” says Goel.
Times are changing; people are changing – after all change is the only constant. We tried to find out about these changes men and women undergo after marriage.
Expert blogger speaks: How open are our marriages?
EATING HABITS
What’s your favourite dish? We asked 36-year-old Archana Gupta, a housewife and pat came the reply: “I don’t remember. I remember we used to have simple vegetarian food, but here they eat everything,” says the strict vegetarian.
Yes, her husband and she have had arguments about why she doesn’t try non-vegetarian food. “I did not want to compromise on this front even though, I think, I have transformed myself completely after my marriage,” she says. Most men agree that with regard to food, it’s the women who change their ways quite a bit. “And if she doesn’t cook that kind of food, she generally learns how to make it and compromises on her own taste,” says Pradeep Sarkar, 29, an insights director at a multinational company.
EXPERT SPEAK: “In India, when a woman comes into a new family after her marriage, she is expected to satisfy her husband and in-laws. And food is the best way to do so, even if it means compromising on her own taste,” says Gitanjali Sharma.
Also read:
CAREER
As far as career is concerned, it is still the woman who has to compromise. When Gupta got married, she wasn’t told that her inlaws didn’t want a working girl as their bahu. “I used to run a coaching institute before marriage and was earning quite well. But mine was an arranged marriage and I was banned from working anywhere after marriage,” she says. “I was one of the most outgoing girls in my college and my friends would look up to me, but all that has changed now,” she says.
Sarkar agrees with Gupta. “How many men do we know who have got themselves transferred to a different city because the wife is transferred? I do not know any. In most cases the man is independent of the woman and can take a career decision without even consulting his wife,” he says.
EXPERT SPEAK: “Career-wise a woman is expected to compromise, because she is the one who bears the child. The traditional gender roles come into play here. But with crèche facilities and flexi-hours in most organisations, things are getting better,” says Khurana. And yes, now men are consulting their wives on their career moves too.
LOOKING GOOD
It is said when a woman finds her soul-mate, she just gives up on her efforts to look good.
There are quite a few adjustments that women have to make voluntarily because of the family she is moving into. No figure-hugging clothes perhaps, no short skirts or noodle straps. Even if the husband does not mind it, your inlaws might, so you gradually give up buying clothes you once loved.
EXPERT SPEAK: Anjanie Ramnarayan, a gender-studies scholar at the University of Toronto says: “Women tend to ‘let go’ after marriage.
They start eating more, stop wearing make-up, and don’t dress up because they do not have the pressure to look good or attract a male anymore.” However you would expect women to use more make-up during the first year of the marriage. “After the first year, things get mundane and that’s when the woman lets go.
Making efforts to look good completely goes off a woman’s ‘thingsto- do list’, especially after she has a baby,” says Sharma and adds there are no visible differences, however, in the physical traits of a man.
Expert blogger speaks: Let's talk about sex, baby!
EQ
A woman who has let go of her dreams becomes emotionally stronger, says Gupta. “I can say this from my own experience.
I was brought up in a liberal atmosphere, but my husband’s family was a complete opposite. Dealing with my inlaws and the politics in a joint family hardened me,” says Gupta.
However, it seems, men do start behaving themselves after marriage and Varun Dixit, 27, an IT professional, swears by it. The three notorious brothers in his neighbourhood were tamed soon after they entered wedlock. “They were pretty aggressive and would get into fights and arguments. Now that they are married, they have taken a complete U-turn,” he says.
EXPERT SPEAK: “When a man becomes sexually monogamous and is truly in love with a woman, he becomes more logical and rational,” says gender studies scholar Ramnarayan. However, Khurana presents a different perspective: “Men are not programmed to be emotionally expressive. A man may seem to be very considerate from outside, but in reality he may have just given up on arguing with his wife,” he says.
BUDDY TIME
The interaction level with annoying relatives – which was at sub-zero levels before marriage – suddenly shoots up after people tie the knot and your beloved friends often take a backseat. Devlina Dutta could not meet her gang of girls for 17 years after her marriage and when she met them, she realised they were the next best thing after her husband. “We could still talk about everything under the sun, without any inhibitions,” says Dutta.
If women talk, men bond over booze and sports. But they too have to keep a check on their unrestrained freedom with the new restrictions stemming from the intertwining of two lives.
“They have to limit their buddy time and answer certain questions that were considered pretty irksome before marriage,” says Kshitij Chawla, a biotech researcher.
EXPERT SPEAK: They are not wrong when they say marriage is all about two families and not just two people. “Priorities change and suddenly families and relatives become more important. You have to inform your partner if you want to meet your old pals. Your decisions become dependent on your partner. And this holds true for both men and women.



BED BUGS
Snoring and weird sleeping postures are a major turn-off for most women. But they have adapted to them over the years. Anshu Khurana, 35, a teacher, who comes from a family of silent-sleepers, got the shock of her life when she entered the Khurana household.
Now after being married for 15 years, it is hard for Khurana to imagine a soundless sleep. If women hate snores, men love their space in bed. Remember the Friends episode in which Ross gives tips to Chandler on how to stop his girlfriend from cuddling? “Cuddling seems to be a romantic idea, but I need my own space,” says IT professional Sandeep Kumar, 28.
EXPERT SPEAK: “Snoring and sleeping habits have always been a bone of contention, but people do get over it within a year of the marriage. However, people who are in the habit of nitpicking always complain about these little annoying things,” says Goel.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Surrogacy: Giving hope to the childless


Assembling the Global Baby

With an international network of surrogate mothers and egg and sperm donors, a new industry is emerging to produce children on the cheap and outside the reach of restrictive laws.

In a hospital room on the Greek island of Crete with views of a sapphire sea lapping at ancient fortress walls, a Bulgarian woman plans to deliver a baby whose biological mother is an anonymous European egg donor, whose father is Italian, and whose birth is being orchestrated from Los Angeles.
Illustration by Edel Rodriguez for The Wall Street Journal
She won't be keeping the child. The parents-to-be—an infertile Italian woman and her husband (who provided the sperm)—will take custody of the baby this summer, on the day of birth.
The birth mother is Katia Antonova, a surrogate. She emigrated to Greece from Bulgaria and is a waitress with a husband and three children of her own. She will use the money from her surrogacy to send at least one of her own children to university.

Related

The man bringing together this disparate group is Rudy Rupak, chief executive of PlanetHospital.com LLC, a California company that searches the globe to find the components for its business line. The business, in this case, is creating babies.
Mr. Rupak is a pioneer in a controversial field at the crossroads of reproductive technology and international adoption. Prospective parents put off by the rigor of traditional adoptions are bypassing that system by producing babies of their own—often using an egg donor from one country, a sperm donor from another, and a surrogate who will deliver in a third country to make what some industry participants call "a world baby."
They turn to PlanetHospital and a handful of other companies. "We take care of all aspects of the process, like a concierge service," says Mr. Rupak, a 41-year-old Canadian.
For years couples have turned to sperm donors, egg donors or surrogate mothers to help them become parents. Now the process is being taken to a level that is stretching legal and ethical boundaries. WSJ's Linda Blake reports from India.
Clients tend to be people who want children but can't do it themselves: families suffering from infertility; gay male couples. They may also have trouble adopting because of age or other obstacles.
And they're price sensitive. PlanetHospital's services run from $32,000 to around $68,000, versus up to $200,000 for a U.S. surrogate.
Overseas surrogacy has other advantages. Surrogates in some poorer countries have little or no legal right to the baby. In Greece, a surrogate can be prosecuted for trying to keep a child. By contrast, some U.S. surrogates have tried to legally claim the children they've carried.
The process can bring profound dilemmas. In some cases, clinics end up creating more fetuses than a couple needs, forcing a decision over whether to abort one or more pregnancies. Babies carried to term occasionally find themselves temporarily unable to get a passport.
Mr. Rupak is learning to navigate the uncharted nature of his field—the stateless babies, the ethical complexities. His expansion to Greece, a European Union member nation, is specifically intended to lessen the likelihood of the passport problem for European parents-to-be.
Some of his own clients have faced the abortion decision, Mr. Rupak says. "Sometimes they find the money" to pay for more children than they expected, he says. After all, they went to such lengths. And if they decide otherwise, Mr. Rupak says, "We don't judge."
PlanetHospital's most affordable package, the "India bundle," buys an egg donor, four embryo transfers into four separate surrogate mothers, room and board for the surrogate, and a car and driver for the parents-to-be when they travel to India to pick up the baby.
Pricier packages add services like splitting eggs from the same donor to fertilize with different sperm, so children of gay couples can share a genetic mother. In Panama, twins cost an extra $5,000; for another $6,500 you can choose a child's gender.
Nobody accurately tallies surrogate births abroad, but critics and industry insiders agree the numbers are growing. Since it started offering fertility services abroad in 2007, PlanetHospital has orchestrated 459 births, Mr. Rupak says. Last year, 280 clients hired the company for reproductive services, and that year 210 babies were born—168 of them twins. This year, 200 clients signed contracts, and 75 surrogates are currently pregnant.
The 'India bundle' buys an egg donor, four embryo transfers into four separate surrogate mothers, room and board for the surrogate and a car and driver for the parents-to-be when they travel to India to pick up the baby.
Critics say the business is strewn with pitfalls. "The potential for abuse on many levels is big," says Arthur Caplan, director of the Center for Bioethics at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia, discussing the industry in general terms. "You're straddling all these [international] boundaries to buy the ingredients and the equipment." Mr. Caplan calls it the "wild, wild west of medicine."
Laws are vague and can conflict from country to country. In 2008, baby Manji was born to an Indian surrogate just weeks after the divorce of her Japanese parents-to-be. (The family wasn't a PlanetHospital client.) According to a Duke University case study in legal ethics, it led to a tangle of Indian and Japanese law that first prevented the little girl from being issued a birth certificate, and later made it difficult for her father bring her home to Japan. Months went by. To fix the problem, Japan issued a special humanitarian visa.
"This area of law is very unsettled," says Evgenia Terehova, PlanetHospital's lawyer. "There can be all sorts of unforeseen circumstances."
Ms. Terehova says PlanetHospital clients agree to settle disputes using arbitration under California law. The company says it hasn't been sued and hasn't been taken to arbitration.
Greek surrogacy is regulated by a 2005 law, but the business takes advantage of a legal loophole. Surrogate mothers are not supposed to act for profit. However, they can accept money for pregnancy-related expenses. Typically, the expenses are set at up to $50,000.
"The judge never asks" about the money, says Maria Kouloumprakis, a surrogacy lawyer in Greece. Ms. Kouloumprakis calls the situation "an emptiness in the law."
Egg donors often come from the U.S. or Eastern European countries since white parents tend to prefer fair-skinned children. Those countries allow donor anonymity. Parents on tighter budgets might opt for a donor from India or Latin America. Sperm is often provided by the fathers-to-be, though it's also available from a network of sperm banks in the U.S. and Europe.
Unlike traditional adoption, there is relatively little vetting of would-be parents either by agencies like PlanetHospital, regulators or clinics. There are also fewer restrictions, such as strict age limits, on who can participate.
Mr. Rupak says individual clinics use their own standards to make some of these decisions. He sometimes advises his clients to get a lawyer to be sure they're in compliance with the laws of their home country.
"Our ethics are agnostic," Mr. Rupak says. "How do you prevent a pedophile from having a baby? If they're a pedophile then I will leave that to the U.S. government to decide, not me."
Mr. Rupak says he has rejected clients. In one case, he suspected a woman wanted to use her own eggs and her son's sperm. "Whatever the case was, these people weren't honest. It worried us, so we said 'no.'"
Mr. Rupak, a former screenwriter and movie producer (his credits include "Snowboard Academy," starring Corey Haim and Brigitte Neilsen), ran a software business before opening PlanetHospital in 2002. Its first business, and still its biggest money-maker, is "medical tourism," arranging travel to less expensive countries for knee surgeries, cosmetic dentistry and the like. Mr. Rupak says he got into the reproduction business after clients started asking about it.
Khue Bui for The Wall Street Journal
Richmond, VA. Suzanne and Thomas Lloyd in their guest room, which they plan to turn into a nursery. They hired PlanetHospital when they were unable to conceive.
Conversations between Mr. Rupak and his customers can be an odd mix of frank talk about sperm counts and menstrual cycles and good old-fashioned salesmanship. During one client meeting over tea in Chicago, Mr. Rupak first answers a question about the possibility of breast-feeding if you're not the birth mother. Then, as the conversation wraps up, he says: "I have some good news for you. We'll be offering you and your husband complimentary teeth-cleaning while you're in Hyderabad."
His client, Caroline Lu, smiles. "That's great," she says. Ms. Lu later says she and her husband passed on the teeth-cleaning.
Many factors drive surrogacy's global spread. China and other big adoption destinations have toughened their rules in recent years. Some developed countries, including Japan, Spain, Germany, Italy and France, outlaw or severely restrict surrogacy at home. The United Kingdom prohibits surrogacy for pay, and in 2005 banned donor anonymity. Some U.S. states prohibit surrogacy for pay, and in recent years some have outlawed gay adoption.
PlanetHospital recently launched a website touting "surrogaycy" aimed at gay couples. "In some states you cannot marry, let alone adopt; but not a law in the land can take away a child that is biologically yours," the site says.
"We are so excited, we are just gleaming," says Marc Loeb, a 33-year-old sales director for a women's apparel company in New York, whose baby girl, Eden, was born in India a few days ago.
Mr. Loeb and his spouse, Wolf Ehrblatt, (the two were legally married in Massachusetts two years ago) hired PlanetHospital in 2009. For a gay couple, domestic or international adoption is tough, says Mr. Loeb. And the expense of U.S. surrogacy made it feel like "that was for the gay elite," he says.
The couple made a $10,000 down payment and decided to try for a child using a college-educated American egg donor and their own sperm.
PlanetHospital steered Mr. Loeb toward India. Mr. Loeb and Mr. Ehrblatt traveled to the Kiran Infertility Clinic in Hyderabad to deposit sperm. There they met some of the surrogate mothers, who live in apartments attached to the clinic—but not the woman who would carry their child.
Mr. Loeb says he didn't want to ask. "It's an emotional enough experience," he said.
A few weeks later, Mr. Loeb says, Mr. Rupak called to say, "You're pregnant, man."
The couple made payments as the pregnancy progressed, with the final amount due at birth. Of the $35,000, PlanetHospital keeps around $3,600. Another $5,000 goes to the egg donor, plus another $3,000 or so for travel expenses. The surrogate gets $8,000. The rest, around $15,000, is paid to the clinic.
In the case of gay couples, the surrogate's name appears on the birth certificate as the mother. In the case of heterosexual couples, the adoptive mother's name appears.
Mr. Loeb and Mr. Ehrblatt learned of Eden's birth on Dec. 3 while stuck in traffic in a rickshaw in Hyderabad. Sitting there, Mr. Loeb said, they received a text message from the doctor: "Congratulations, you had a baby girl!"
The couple will stay in India for a few more weeks while the U.S. embassy performs a DNA test. Once the test establishes that one of the men is the child's biological father, the baby is eligible for U.S. citizenship.
Michal Czerwonka for The Wall Street Journal
Calabasas, Calif. Rudy Rupak, chief executive of PlanetHospital, draws upon a global network to line up egg donors, surrogate mothers, and hospitals.
Mr. Loeb says PlanetHospital arranged for them to live in a modern apartment in Hyderabad while waiting for their baby's U.S. passport, and arranged for a nanny to help them. "Everything is running very smoothly," he says.
Another gay couple, Jocelyn LaFleur and Denis Doyon of Montreal, are just getting started with PlanetHospital. Their home province of Quebec permits adoption by gay couples, the men say, but it can get drawn out and complicated.
This past Thursday, they received the news of a successful pregnancy of their surrogate, on a second attempt. If all goes well, they will travel back to India next September to collect their baby.
"Having our baby be born in India was not a choice, it's just by chance, and we accept and are glad for that," Mr. Doyon says.
No country has become a greater magnet for the business than India, which made surrogacy legal in 2002. It has an ample supply of inexpensive surrogates and egg donors. There is little regulation beyond guidelines that set age limits for surrogates and prohibit a woman from acting as a surrogate more than three times.
Suzanne and Thomas Lloyd of Richmond, Va., are on their third attempt at pregnancy with an Indian surrogate mother and donor. The first two implants failed to grow. Mr. Lloyd, who works for a credit-card company, says that having a child has been a "life-long dream" for his wife, a 42-year-old teacher.
They tried in vitro fertilization with no luck. They also looked into adoption but didn't qualify in many countries because they were either too old or hadn't been married long enough. The Lloyds are college sweethearts who split up after school, only to reunite and marry four years ago.
The couple paid $10,000 to PlanetHospital to try the surrogate route. Mr. Lloyd says there have been some aggravating lapses in communications: Their first contact at PlanetHospital was with a caseworker who would let weeks go by without responding to emails, they say. Since then, he said, Mr. Rupak became their primary contact and communications have improved.
Mr. Rupak acknowledges the communication problem and said he has learned from his mistakes. He recently hired someone in India whose job is to meet arriving clients and be available to them at all times by cellphone. "It's a challenge to grow the business and still maintain a personal level of support and service," he says.
Surrogacy's complexity can give rise to extraordinarily difficult decisions, such as whether or not to abort. This can happen because clinics sometimes implant multiple embryos into multiple surrogates to improve the odds: If one miscarries, there are still viable pregnancies. However, if several implants successfully lead to pregnancy, clients face ending up with not just one or two children, but many.
Mike Aki and his husband, a Massachusetts couple, confronted this question. The couple planned on having two children. But their two surrogate mothers in India each became pregnant with twins.
At 12 weeks into the pregnancies, Mr. Aki and his husband decided to abort two of the fetuses, one from each woman. It was a very painful call to make, Mr. Aki says. "You start thinking to yourself, 'Oh, my god, am I killing this child?'"
He didn't think of his decision as an abortion, but as a "reduction," he says. "You're reducing the pregnancies to make sure you have a greater chance of healthy children," Mr. Aki says. "If you're going to bring a child into this world, you have an obligation to take care of that child to the best of your abilities."
Today, Mr. Aki and his husband have two 21-month-old daughters. The girls share the same genetic mother. Each man is the genetic father of one of the girls. Next week, Mr. Aki and his husband will officially adopt each other's genetic daughter.
Initially in 2008, Mr. Aki was a PlanetHospital client. But early in the process, following a dispute over money and communication, Mr. Aki decided to cut out the middleman and deal directly with the clinic.
Daryl Visscher /Redux for The Wall Street Journal
Hyderabad, India. Jocelyn LaFleur and Denis Doyon of Montreal, in the waiting room of the Sai Kiran Hospital. They traveled from Quebec in hopes of becoming parents through in-vitro fertilization and a surrogate mother.
The dispute arose because of poor communication and book-keeping at the clinic, Mr. Rupak says. He has since cut ties with that clinic. "We've improved upon all those things since."
Mr. Rupak says he is vigilant about the risks inherent in a lightly regulated business. He says he stopped using egg donors from Georgia in Eastern Europe, for instance, because a black market for eggs has sprung up in the region. This fall, Greek authorities busted a group of Romanian and Bulgarian men for allegedly forcing poor immigrant women to undergo egg extractions. Now, Mr. Rupak contracts for eggs through donor banks rather than trying to recruit individuals himself.
And Mr. Rupak says he is looking to expand into Mexico and Ukraine, building on the success of the move into Greece.
On the island of Crete, the pregnancy of Mrs. Antonova, the Bulgarian woman carrying a child for the Italian couple, is proceeding according to plan. She lives at home with her husband and three children. She visits the clinic of Dr. Mattheos Fraidakis, Mr. Rupak's partner on Crete, for regular checkups. She appeared in court this past fall and, in accordance with Greek law, promised to relinquish the baby to the Italian parents-to-be. She declines to detail her compensation.
"It's good that I can help these people have a family, and it's good for my family too," says Mrs. Antonova, who is 40. "I will have this baby, and move on with my life."

Friday, December 10, 2010

Top 9 sex-related myths busted


Washington, Dec 10 (ANI): Do you know everything about sex? Think again for the more someone claims to know, the less they generally do know.
Alicia Stanton, a board-certified OB/GYN and the author of 'Hormone Harmony,' who specializes in treating men and women suffering hormone imbalances, has listed top nine sex-related myths and what the real scoop is about sex, desire, and making it all work, reports the Fox News.
Myth: Interest in sex decreases with menopause.
Reality: Many women maintain hormonal balance and interest in sex through menopause. And, pregnancy and menstruation are no longer a concern, spontaneity can reign. Also, they are typically more confident and knowledgeable about what they want, so sex has the potential to be better than ever.
Myth: The only hormone important for libido is testosterone.
Reality: Although testosterone is very important for libido and sexual function in men and women, other hormones play a part as well. Estrogen is actually very important for desire in both men and women. Also, a high level of cortisol, our "fight or flight hormone," works against libido. If your body thinks that you're running for your life, literally or figuratively, it is not going to be very interested in sex.
Myth: If you're truly in love, desire for sex and high libido should come easily.
Reality: Relationships and making a real connection with someone takes time and energy. Relationships require as much attention as anything about which you are passionate. Focus on keeping your partner and his or her interests high on your priority list and you will find yourself discovering new ways to connect and keep the passion alive.
Myth: If you're healthy, you should want sex all of the time.
Reality: A wide variety in sexual appetite or level of libido exists. The way you know if you're having the "right" amount of sex is if you and your partner are both happy with your level of activity. There's no need to compare yourself to others.
Myth: If you're connected with your partner, you shouldn't have to ask for what you need.
Reality: Even if you and your partner haven't previously spoken much about your sexual relationship, it might be good to start talking. This is especially true if you're entering a new phase of life, including childbirth, menopause, or andropause, often called male menopause. If you begin to notice changes in your body or sexual desire, be sure to let your partner know what's going on. And, remember, communicating about what feels good enhances the experience for both of you.
Myth: Your most important sex organs are "south of the border."
Reality: Although those places are lots of fun, remember that your brain is the biggest sex organ in your body. You always have the ability to choose how you feel and think about sex and your sexuality. The desirability a man or woman feels about himself or herself is a very potent aphrodisiac. If you feel irresistible, your partner will find you irresistible. Passion is contagious!
Myth: If you don't have a partner, there is no sense in having a libido.
Reality: Having a loving relationship with yourself is essential. Even if you don't currently have a partner, feeling sensual and desirable will add passion to many aspects of your life. It takes practice to learn what arouses you and what a potential partner finds arousing. Learning to pleasure yourself is an important skill that you can continue to enjoy on your own, or that you can teach to a partner one day.
Myth: Women are the only ones who have problems with low libido.
Reality: Although the sexual desire disorder known as low libido is more common in women, it occurs in men as well. Some physical causes include alcohol, various medications, stress, hormone imbalances (such as low testosterone), cocaine use, brain tumors that produce the hormone prolactin, diabetes, and other major diseases such as cancer.
Myth: Hormonal issues are the only cause of low libido in women.
Reality: There are hormone imbalances such as low estrogen, low testosterone, hypothyroidism, and high cortisol from stress, but there are many other potential causes as well. Physical problems such as vulvar or vaginal pain or dryness may cause an increase in frustration and reduced libido. Surgery or other major health conditions like cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure or arthritis can also reduce libido.
Also, relationship issues, psychological issues (including depression), alcohol, tobacco use, and weight issues may also contribute to low libido. (ANI)

Make Your Girl Friends Admire Your Boyfriend!

 

Admit it or not, but when you fall in love social reception of your boyfriend is more than important – specially among your girlfriends. And isn't it thrilling? Imagine being next to a guy your friends go ga-ga about on the very mention. Here are ten things your girl friends notice about your boyfriend, remember these and you can surely make everyone in the circuit turn green:
1. THEATRICS ARE A BIG NO
Tell your boyfreind to cut down on the tall tales, bragging and other theatrics. No one is really interested in those stories. They may be true, but get real, your friends would be quite critical about him initially. They would scan him from head to toe and in a minute they would know that he is lying. It is also not a very good idea for him to turn on the charm on your friends - he may get their attention, but for all the wrong reasons.
It may come across as if he is trying to hide something about himself. He should get real and plant his feet firmly on the ground. His theatrics may have worked on you but they won't work on your friends.
2. THE MOOLAH HE'S GOT
What has money got to do with love, you would say...but the salary slip your boyfriend gets at the end of the month is actually quite crucial. His bank balance does matter to your gal pals. The best way of getting over this hurdle is to never let them know how much he really earns. Never spill the beans about his plans of buying that flashy car next month or brag about the apartment he just bought. He will come across as an arrogant show- off.
At the same time, he shouldn't look like a pauper, who counts on you to pay the bills. He must avoid the two extremes and maintain a balance. At the end of the day, the two of you have to manage the home finances, not your friends.
3. HIS SEXIST REMARKS
It is good to have strong opinions on certain issues. There's nothing wrong in being politically or socially aware, but when your boyfriend meets your friends, it is a good idea to tone down a bit, especially if the discussion is regarding the battle of the sexes. We agree he has a lot of grey matter, but it is not advisable to show off his intelligence. Women too like engaging in serious issuebased, intelligent discussions, but not during the first meeting. For instance: If he has already spoiled the evening with his banter against women's reservation in Parliament, he should refrain from trying to lighten the atmosphere with a sexist joke.
4. HIS GANG OF BOYS
Your boyfriend's friends are important to your friends. Sounds confusing? Let's simplify this complicated theory a bit. Your friends would want to meet his gang of boys for a number of reasons. If they are single they would like to meet potential candidates and if they are hitched, they would want them for eye- candy. But most importantly, whether single or hitched, they would want to meet his friends to see the kind of company he keeps. So if one of his friends tag along with you, when you are out to meet your friends, make sure you get the most good- looking, well- mannered guy in his gang. You never know, if one of them falls in love with him, she’ll be indebted to you for the rest of her life.
5. FLASHBACKS OF THE FOOL
"He reminds me of...you know who..." Your friend might whisper this into your ear while smiling at him slyly. It may seem difficult to digest for your boyfriend, but your gal pals will compare him with your ex- lover from the moment they see him.
However, this should not bother him. There's no reason why you or your boyfriend should feel insecure about it. He didn't know the guy, so there’s no question of him trying to score over your ex. He must live in the present and be his usual self and never try to bring up the ex- subject with you. As far as your friends are concerned, they must avoid this comparison as much as possible. In fact, if they do, they should not tell you.
6. THE WAY HE FLIRTS
He should turn on the charm only when it is really necessary. Some love- gurus may have advised him to flirt with his your friends to make you jealous, but he must get over it. Jealousy may be the best policy when you are trying to get a girl. But in this case, he has already got the girl. He doesn't need to pester you further and make you jealous and uncomfortable.
Being too friendly or flirty with your friends, could mean a deathknell to your relationship. He should engage them in interesting conversations, give them good advice if they have any problems. But he must not stare at them or cling on to the hottest friend in your gang. Your gal pals would not want Mr Casanova to be your boyfriend. Girls share their deepest secrets, so you can count on them to tell them how your boyfriend stared at their breasts the other day. You would have done the same thing right? So beware!
7. HAS HE CHANGED YOU?
"You make me want to be a better man." Ever wondered why this line from the movie, As Good As It Gets, got so popular? The change you bring about in the person you are dating is a crucial factor in determining whether you are a good partner or not. Your friends would judge your boyfriend on the basis of the positive changes he brings about in you. If you seem to be happier and more at ease when he is with you, he may have already scored a 100 bonus points. But if you are embarrassed and angry at him for talking too much or ogling at your friends, he's in deep trouble. He should make you want to be a better woman rather than making you want to dump him.
8. BEHAVE BABY!
The nose- digging, nail- biting, ogling, yelling and rudeness won't lead him anywhere - and we are not just talking about your friends here. His charm, wit and drop-dead gorgeous looks will fall flat if he doesn't check his manners. He shouldn't be rude to anyone, be it the waiter or the parking attendant. Remember: they are watching him.
9. YOUR CLINGY QUOTIENT
Yes, he loves you and cares about you, but clinging on to you in front of your friends may look like a conjuring trick to impress your friends, making it seem as if he is trying too hard. It could even mean that he is one of those possessive freaks, who would pounce upon the guy who committed the crime of merely smiling at you.
We know he doesn’t want to let you away from his sight even for a second, but don’t you need a little space? He should seem affectionate. Throwing a few loving glances your way, during a conversation is actually romantic, but he shouldn’t treat you as his property. Your friends would definitely advise you to keep a safe distance from him.
10. IF HE IS MR CLEAN
First impressions last forever. So whenever he meets your friends, make sure he has shaved, cleaned his nose, trimmed his nails, used a deodorant and polished his shoes. The first thing women notice about a man is the way he is dressed. But this doesn't mean he must change his personality. He should be his usual self. If he wishes to dress like a rockstar, let him...but he must appear clean and healthy. If he doesn't keep the hygiene factor in mind, not only would your friends hesitate to meet him, they might even stay away from you. Girlfriends are precious, you don't want to lose them right?